my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
