Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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