why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
