It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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