My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
