Cold hands, warm shart.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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