I think I am morally bankrupt
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
