Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
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Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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