I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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