my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
