NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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