dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just had sex on a roof
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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