currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Pooping to opera.
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