She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
