I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
