mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
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i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
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Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
there is another microwave in the elevator.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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