if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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