I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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