I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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