dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Randomize
