I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
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And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
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I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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