I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
