Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
