I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
