you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
A bitchslap is in order.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
