The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
