just tell him i said nine months
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Randomize
