Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
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He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
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Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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