When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
