so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
