I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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