Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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