i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
