Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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