took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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