Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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