how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
