she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize