i already hear my dad disowning me
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
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When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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