I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
