I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
