Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
