i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
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Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
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I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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