sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives