I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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