Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
