i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
