Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
