i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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