I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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