I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
