I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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