I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
not ubering you a puppy