My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
