he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
