You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
