omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
