We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
